My Self Love Journey:
Motherhood: the most amazing gift that life can bring you! But with motherhood came a whole new me. I was overwhelmed with perfectionism, shame, comparison, body hate and mom guilt, and all of these started to control my life. Gaining over 80 pounds with my first pregnancy traumatized me, and I didn’t know how I would ever be able to look at myself again and love my body. I felt that in order to love myself I needed to accomplish something worthy of love.
My body created this beautiful life that taught me what love truly was. The first moment I held my daughter was the first moment I felt real, undying, and unconditional love for someone. My body created this life, but it betrayed me. My boobs were different, my hips were different, my hair changed, my feet grew, and I was covered in stretch marks. Self-hate set in and it was a whole new form that I had never felt before.
I began to compare my body daily to other women, binge eat, and then feel empty and attempt to distract myself. This lead me through constant shame/ guilt cycles. When they say that comparison is the thief joy, they aren’t lying. I robbed myself of joy by being hyper-focused on everything I hated about my new body. Negative self-talk became my only inner talk. I knew I needed to do something to get myself out this funk, to change my mindset, and to learn to love me again.
I joined a network marketing company that helped me lose the baby weight, taught me to grow my mind and pushed me to work on loving myself. They gave me self-help books to read, TED talks to listen too, and sent me to motivational conferences that inspired me to dream bigger and want more for myself. I started to realize the inner strength I had. I started to change my mindset. And I started to influence others to do the same, and it empowered me. I felt alive!
I was firing on all cylinders in my life except with my husband at the time, because I still didn’t fully love me. I felt that the love I received was based on achievement, and that the more I achieved, the more I would be worthy of love. I didn’t let him love me for me and I began pushing him away day by day without even knowing it. I distracted myself with work and with being a mom so I didn’t have to work on being loved by anyone else. I was growing so much that my work promoted me to Vice President. I felt that I had finally made it, my worth/achievement was finally good enough to be loved.
My promotion brought me a new life and success. I left the network marketing company I had joined in order to give everything I had to my new position as VP and through that, I gained new knowledge every day from many mentors and leaders. Then came my beautiful baby girl number two. I was much healthier this pregnancy, but I still gained weight, my body still changed, and I got even more stretch marks. After I had Harper, I felt anxiety for the first time and it overwhelmed me to the point that I felt like I couldn’t function. On top of all this, my marriage was falling apart and led to our divorce when Harps was only 9 months old.
I knew I needed to face the music and heal old wounds that I had been distracting myself from for all those years so I could love me for me and begin accepting love from others as well.
The previous time that I had worked on loving myself, I used the tools from the books I read, the advice from people I had met, and pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I remembered how good I felt, so I started reading again to grow my mind which led me to the decision to set a new goal to achieve in order to love me again. See the pattern here? I still felt my worth was in accomplishments. I decided I wanted to be a TED Talks speaker and hired a business coach to help guide me.
My coach took me on a whole new ride of growth, and it changed me from the very core of who I was. My coach taught me the steps needed to actually allow myself to feel all the emotions I had buried for years. I learned how to strip away the limited belief that I needed to accomplish “X” before I could be loved. I learned to remove the enormous guilt I carried around for too many years and let go of perfectionism and shame so I could finally feel free. I was awake and full of life, I saw the world and myself literally through a new lens. I finally saw me for me, even with all the wounds and all the trauma, and I loved every part! I didn’t feel ashamed of it anymore. I grew my mind daily, started to eat better, meditate, make healthy routines, and set a higher standard for myself because I knew I was worth it. I finally found my worth in who I was, not in my accomplishments. I still wanted to be on TED Talks, but I felt it was now for a higher purpose.
That purpose is to help women, like me, who have struggled/are struggling in their self-worth discover what it means to truly love yourself for who you are! I started hosting monthly meet-ups about self-love for women, and I knew within the first 10 seconds that this was my calling. Everything up to this point in my life was helping to get me here. I left career of 10 years and started Powerhouse to help as many women as possible awaken their inner Powerhouse and let her roar to the world!
I know I am right where I am supposed to be! My growth is never-ending and my journey has no finish line. I want to share every step and every tool of my journey with you to help you love you for you! Being the Powerhouse I was created to be gives me all the feels and I know this is me; this is my purpose. I would love to help you find your inner Powerhouse, your purpose, your passion and radical self-love. Message me, email me, or DM me so we can connect because this is your time and you are worth it!